It’s Christmas Day, which is an interesting one for members of the tribe (Judaism, not the one called Quest). It feels like staying up when everybody else is sleeping during naptime — kind of fun, highly independent, and too natural to punish. (I clearly went to Montessori School.) The only major activity available on Christmas is the movies, or as I like to call it, live-action JDate. Seriously — if you’re single and Jewish, just go to AMC and hit up the cute USC grads waiting to buy tickets for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Minority-bonding = spontaneous first date! Wikipedia the book if you haven’t read it so you know what to say. I certainly don’t. (Spoiler alert: I think it’s about a girl with a Dragon Ball Z fetish.)
In other news, New Year’s Eve is coming up! And I couldn’t be less interested. It’s not that I don’t enjoy a good time. Why, just the other day I played the penis game with Zara at CVS and before we knew it at least 15 adult strangers were yelling “PENIS!!!” in the store, which was especially hilarious because the old people picking up their prescriptions from the pharmacy couldn’t tell if their hearing aids were malfunctioning or there was some sort of penis-related emergency on aisle 12. And to be honest, that moment was 500% more fun than any New Year’s party I’ve ever attended.
New Year’s is arbitrary, guys. It’s made up. It’s a new year every single day of the year depending on when you start the calendar. Besides, it’s not that great of a moment. While everyone else is worrying about which marginally attractive stranger to desperately merge souls with, I’m stressing about the clusterfuck of people who will take over the gym between January 1st and February 10th in a statistically unlikely effort to “get healthy” in the new year. Let the battle for equipment begin. I need the treadmill more than you, sir, for the same reason that Jerry took the first-class seat over Elaine: You don’t know what you’re missing. I do. And I’ll be here a lot longer.
I’m going to host a new year’s party next year. I’ll call it the Un-new Year’s Party. Awesome people who agree that new year’s is silly can come and have the best new year’s eve ever. To make the point that new year’s eve is totally arbitrary and the man-made calendar is a fiction, I’ll hold the party on May 21, 2012, which is a Monday. Mark your calendar. Of course that would just make it a normal party for everyone else, but a few close friends and I will be in on the joke, and that’s the point.