“There are two ways we can do this: The easy way or the reality TV way,” said the officer as he handcuffed me.
I know an opportunity when I see one. ”Reality TV way, please!”
“Very funny, wise guy.”
I didn’t see any cameras around but I had a feeling this was the start of something [...]
I’m very important.
When I write status updates I use words like check it and recognize.
I purse my lips together like a duck in photos because that communicates that I’m in charge.
I look around the room when I’m talking to people in case I’m missing out on other people looking around the room while they’re [...]
Symptoms of autism, via WebMD:
The severity of symptoms varies greatly, but all people with autism have some core symptoms in the areas of:
Social interactions and relationships. Symptoms may include: Failure to establish friendships with children the same age. Lack of interest in sharing enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people. Lack of empathy. People [...]
Many people secretly study poker in hopes that they’ll be invited to an amateur poker night. “Me? Oh, I play a little.” Then they’ll proceed to pull back-to-back flushes, 007-like, apologizing profusely to the other guests along the way. “Hey, it happens. You’ll get me next time.”
I also have fantasies of hustling my fellow [...]
When your interviewer asks you why you left your last job, don’t say “Because I’m looking for a new environment.” Everyone knows that’s code for “Something went terribly wrong.” You might as well put “Ballistics Analyst” as your job title at the US Postal Service.
They’ll ask you to tell them your greatest weakness. Everyone [...]
Brunch is when you talk about things for a while with other people on Sunday. It’s not as easy as it looks.
“Have you ever had gluten-free popsicles?” one of them asked after we sat down.
“Oh,” said the girl who asked, but it sounded like maybe she hadn’t either.
“Goji berries are pretty [...]
Whenever I need a quick nap I pop into a mattress store and pretend to test mattresses. I pick a different mattress every time so if the salesman comes around asking questions I can tell him I’m just doing my research.
If that doesn’t make him go away I tell him I run the biggest [...]
Do you believe in magic? I don’t. I think it’s all tricks and gimmicks and that ruins it for me. I don’t like being manipulated by men in top hats in front of strangers. I got my watch back but who knows if it’s even my watch? I can’t enjoy my things anymore.
Moon bounces [...]
When my homeboy Michael moved to Beijing last year to be a fancy cosmopolitan architect man, there were bound to be some changes.
“You gonna eat that?” he asked me at the sushi restaurant.
“Nah,” I said, but really I was.
“Good to see you,” he offered, savoring a piece of spicy tuna.
The benign indifference of the universe continues as
CRANSTON, R.I. (AP) — An 81-year-old woman from Newport won last month’s $336.4 million Powerball jackpot, sleeping with the winning ticket in her Bible before coming forward to claim the sixth-largest U.S. prize on Tuesday, a family representative said.
Nice touch, 81-year-old woman [...]