The current selection of reality TV leaves something to be desired. You might recall my frustration with Pawn Stars – specifically with this episode:
Did you see the guy in the second part? He walks in with a clump of rupees minted in 1702 by the son of the man who built the Taj Mahal. Where are you getting these historical artifacts, sir? I demand to know. Here I am putting 6% each month in a 401(k) that might or might not exist, and these people are taking baths in ancient coinage and drinking 2-buck Chuck from Macbeth’s goblet. I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t know how to acquire ancient valuables. It’s not helping that the host of the show says how much “I just LOVE old shipwreck items. You can just imagine the journey they’ve been on.” I can imagine it too, sir, but how do I get some?
Sour grapes! you’re probably thinking, and to that I say: Sour grapes, indeed. I sat through 30 minutes of pawn porn only to be left with antique blue balls. Until I get my hands on Moses’ walking stick or discover the secret Hogwarts porn collection, this show does not speak to me.
But I’m not a lost audience. Here are the top 5 reality shows that I would watch if they were on the air.
1. Deadliest Snatch
Deadliest Snatch follows a group of unscrupulous johns who test their limits — and their immune systems — by seeking out the country’s most dubious sex workers.
Or, I could just use the description of the show that inspired this series, Deadliest Catch:
A documentary series chronicling the real-life high-sea adventures of crab fishermen. This is the most deadly profession in the world.
Well said. Why reinvent the wheel? If I’ve seen further than others, it’s because I’ve paid to stand on the shoulders of giants.
2. Storm Evaders
Storm Evaders is a show that follows a group of people who find the country’s most dangerous storms and then, like rational fucking humans, run as far away as possible. These heroes have one mission: To find a nice, dry place with reinforced windows to weep uncontrollably until the storm passes.
3. Yellowcake Boss
Follow the quest for the world’s best yellowcake recipe in Niger’s charming Uranium Bakery! Watch these cutthroat chefs cook up their own nuclear wars in the kitchen and vie for dominance in the zero-sum-game that is the nuclear pastry industry.
4. Project Redlight
Project Redlight offers first-time filmmakers the chance to pitch a feature film to a team of bitter executives who always reject their ideas. Follow the adorable dreams of the next Billy Wilder and watch a group of bitter suits pass on the next Citizen Kane, every time.
5. Storage Hoarders
A gripping hybrid of Storage Wars and Hoarders, Storage Hoarders follows people whose obsession with space compels them to continually lease new storage units. Watch these poor souls deal with the crushing obligation to buy enough things to fill all of their empty space.
I urge the networks to consider producing these shows immediately, before I give up on television do something ghastly like read a book or spend time with my own thoughts. We all know what happens when I starting doing that. I write things like this.