7 Things I Find Attractive In Women Now That I’m 90

I’ve been reading all the hoopla on the world wide web about 7 Things I Find Attractive in Women now that I’m 30 and 7 Things I Find Sexy In Men Now That I’m 40 and good for them but people my age need some advice too you know.

Here’s the thing. I’m at a point in my life where I know what I want and can occasionally remember what it is. I don’t gotta apologize for how I feel, just like I don’t gotta apologize for calling my nurse “that nice negro girl.” She’s a lovely person and she likes me and goddammit so should you.

Things change when you turn 90. Things that used to bother me when I was 85 are pretty good now. I’m not saying these are the MOST important things in life, but hey — I was able to remember my WordPress password, so listen up for once in your life. You might learn something.

Things I like about women now that I’m 90…

Doesn’t yell at the bingo guy when she loses.

I mean, it’s just chance, right? It ain’t fair to get mad at the guy just because the numbers didn’t come out right. I want a lady who can lose like a champion. I want her to fold up her bingo card like a nice person and lie down for a nap. Maybe try again tomorrow. There’s always always a bingo game tomorrow. They happen every day. Or maybe it’s every other day, I don’t remember.

Doesn’t stay in my room past 9 o’clock.

I don’t mind the company, but it grinds my gears when a ladyfriend overstays her welcome. After Jeopardy I’ve got an hour, maybe an hour and a half left in me. Then I gotta do my crossword puzzles and go to bed. I’m on a goddamn schedule here. It’s called life. I’m tired.

Calls World War I ‘The Great War’

Because it was, goddammit.

Doesn’t try any funny business.

Jeopardy means Jeopardy. I didn’t call you up here for a quick squeeze and a peck on the lips. I mean, that would be nice, but I gotta prepare for that. I have a pill, there’s a routine. I don’t like surprises.

Drinks her Ensure.

I’ll give you all my Bingo winnings this week if you don’t catch me saying, “Goddammit, that elegant, responsible, well-informed lady sure looks sexy drinking that shake packed with 24 essential vitamins and minerals, including antioxidants.”

Gets along with my ladyfriends. 

It ain’t fun to hear, but she’s not the first one to catch my eye, if you know what I mean. They don’t last long around here. Sometimes it doesn’t work out. She’s gotta be nice to my former sweethearts or I’m not saving a spot next to me during Jeopardy. That’s final.

Keeps the jokes clean.

One time I courted a woman who told me this one about a whore in Poughkeepsie who tried something, or screwed someone, or something like that I’m not so good with these things. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think a lady should be going around telling blue jokes and whatnot. I like the knock-knocks and the ones about the rabbi. I don’t remember them but Stanley down the hall is pretty good at ‘em and I can ask him after bingo and get back to you.

That’s all I got. What, you want more? These ain’t enough? Geez. I’ll think about it maybe. I gotta go. I have to find the “Publish” button now.