It’s Monday morning at Skyscanner Headquarters, and the team is preparing to release the findings of its ‘perfect flight seat’ survey.

“Mullins — brief me. What were the findings?” asks Woodruff.

“Survey findings suggest that passengers prefer a window seat towards the front of the plane,” responds Mullins.

“Which seat damnit, which seat?” [...]

I’ve been reading all the hoopla on the world wide web about 7 Things I Find Attractive in Women now that I’m 30 and 7 Things I Find Sexy In Men Now That I’m 40 and good for them but people my age need some advice too you know.

Here’s the thing. I’m at a point in [...]

When you name your cult, you have to come up with something that’s not too intense but not too mundane either. Something like “The Collective” won’t cut it — you don’t want people thinking they can come and go as they please. But you can’t name it The Zorlax, either. People will start talking.

Something [...]

“There are two ways we can do this: The easy way or the reality TV way,” said the officer as he handcuffed me.

I know an opportunity when I see one. ”Reality TV way, please!”

“Very funny, wise guy.”

I didn’t see any cameras around but I had a feeling this was the start of something [...]

I’m very important.

When I write status updates I use words like check it and recognize.

I purse my lips together like a duck in photos because that communicates that I’m in charge.

I look around the room when I’m talking to people in case I’m missing out on other people looking around the room while they’re [...]

Many people secretly study poker in hopes that they’ll be invited to an amateur poker night. “Me? Oh, I play a little.” Then they’ll proceed to pull back-to-back flushes, 007-like, apologizing profusely to the other guests along the way. “Hey, it happens. You’ll get me next time.”

I also have fantasies of hustling my fellow [...]

When your interviewer asks you why you left your last job, don’t say “Because I’m looking for a new environment.” Everyone knows that’s code for “Something went terribly wrong.” You might as well put “Ballistics Analyst” as your job title at the US Postal Service.

They’ll ask you to tell them your greatest weakness. Everyone [...]

Brunch is when you talk about things for a while with other people on Sunday. It’s not as easy as it looks.

“Have you ever had gluten-free popsicles?” one of them asked after we sat down.

“No.”

“Oh,” said the girl who asked, but it sounded like maybe she hadn’t either.

“Goji berries are pretty [...]

Whenever I need a quick nap I pop into a mattress store and pretend to test mattresses. I pick a different mattress every time so if the salesman comes around asking questions I can tell him I’m just doing my research.

If that doesn’t make him go away I tell him I run the biggest [...]

Do you believe in magic? I don’t. I think it’s all tricks and gimmicks and that ruins it for me. I don’t like being manipulated by men in top hats in front of strangers. I got my watch back but who knows if it’s even my watch? I can’t enjoy my things anymore.

Moon bounces [...]